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Jokes
There was this man who was in a horrible accident,
and was injured. But the only permanent damage he
suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was
very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum
of money from the insurance company. It was always
his dream to own his own business, so he decided
with all this money he had, he now had the means
to own a business. So he went out and purchased a
small, but expanding computer firm. But he
realized that he had no business knowledge at all,
so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first interview went
really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said,
'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.'
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the
first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man
asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'
This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.'
The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.. The third
candidate was even better than the second, the
best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked,
'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'
The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'
The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'
Top Ten Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
One Line ....
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real
thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they
didn't, they'd
be married too. -- H. L. Mencken
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Before marrige
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
After marriage
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance
Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye.
W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with
my supervisor . . ."
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave
every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro
tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone
and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
A thief stuck a pistol in a gentleman's ribs and said, 'Give me your money.'
The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said,
'You cannot do this, I am a Congressman.'
The thief said, 'In that case, give me my money.'
Some Actual Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a
car payment.
"Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming.
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can
eat any place they want."
Learning To Be Observant
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is
urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight,
and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into
his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But
being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by
one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
Sonia,Mulayam, and Laloo are on a long flight.
Sonia pulls out a Rs100 bill and says 'I'm going to throw this
Rs100 bill out and make someone down below happy.'
Mulayam, not wanting to be outdone, says, 'If that
was my Rs100 bill, I would split it into 2 Rs50
bills and make two people down below happy.'
Of course Laloo doesn't want these two
candidates to out do him, so he pipes in, 'I would
instead take 100 Rs1 bills and throw them out to
make 100 people just a little happier.'
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and
can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, 'I think I'll throw all three of
you out of this plane and make 100 crore people happy.'
Tale Of The Little Gray Rock
Once upon a time, there lived a little gray rock in a fish tank. His
dream was to be a driveway rock.
The little gray rock had two friends that lived with him in the fish
tank, a red rock and a blue rock.
Everyday the fish that lived in the fish tank with them, would come
over and make weird faces at them.
The little gray rock really started to get bugged by this, so he
formulated a plan with his friends. They decided the next time that
fish came over, the little gray rock would climb onto his friends and
smash the fish.
Well, that's just what they did and it killed the fish. The owners of
the fish saw that the fish was dead so they flushed the fish down the
toilet, and threw the rocks out onto the driveway.
MORAL: Use your friends, smash your enemies, and you get what you want.
Anil Kumble ki nai-nai shadi hui.Suhag raat ko kumble ji gaye room me
jaise maidan me opponents ke chhakke chhudane pahunch jaate the.
Achanak kumble ji serious ho gaye, bole " dekho hum jindagi bhar ab ek
saath rahane wale hain. koi lafada, locha ho to bata dalo"
Kudi smart thi usne ghoonghat uthaya aur aankh me aankh dal ke boli "ab ye
to khud hi samajhna chahiye "
Kumble ji confuse ho ke bole -- "kya samajhna chahiye"
kudi boli "Spinner ko kabhi new ball milti hai kya !!! "