|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
Mind Space
To the world, you may just be somebody...
... but to somebody, you may be the world !! - Ashay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Though I am not naturally honest, I am sometimes by chance." --William Shakespeare
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." --Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible." --George Burns
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The best way to become boring is to say everything." --Voltaire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." --Abraham Lincoln
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated." --Alec Bourne
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Only the educated are free." --Epictetus
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Whenever books are burned men also in the end are burned." --Heinrich Heine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first." --James Thurber
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." --Robert Cringley
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tears are the rinse water of an unhappy heart." --Raynor Schein
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you cannot teach me to fly, teach me to sing." --Sir James Barrie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies." --Adrienne Gusoff
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax." --Thomas Robert Dewar
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world." --Peter York
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For in its innermost depths, youth is lonelier than old age." --Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand." --Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." --Jasper Carrott
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Those who danced where thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music." --Angela Monet
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
" Books are the blessed chloroform of the mind." --Robert Chambert
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." --Dr. Who
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt...Idealists regarded everybody equally corrupt, except themselves." --Robert Anton Wilson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." --Woody Allen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have." --Ernest Haskins
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some." --Alfred Hitchcock
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other." --Unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Running away to get away...you're wearing out your shoes." --Sly and the Family Stone
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." --Steve Martin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do something worth remembering." --Elvis Presley
The Game of Love
As you probably know, there's more to college than tests and papers. The average college freshman can expect to learn what the three most painful parts of the body to have pierced are, as well as how much alcohol a human being is capable of consuming before beginning to suspect that he or she may in fact be Marlon Brando. Above all, college is where most people have their first experience living near members of the opposite sex. You've probably heard that having relationships in college is easier than finding an overweight bachelor at a Star Trek convention, but this isn't always true. For those who have been unlucky in love this semester, I have taken the liberty of preparing a short list of tips that will help you make your crushes become special humiliating sexual situations. I guarantee it.*
1. If you're feeling nervous, group excursions in a friendly, casual setting can be a great way to help put you and the object of your affection at ease. This, however, is the mating strategy if the loser. Did Napoleon ask Europe if it wanted to go for pizza with his friends? Hell no. He marched right through with his army and took what he wanted. Remember: be confident, decisive, and absolutely certain that you propose marriage by the end of the second date.
2. You and your new love must have a song, even if you haven't yet asked him/her out on an actual "date" yet. I suggest "Every Breath You Take," a mellow, romantic ode to love by The Police.
3. Tattooing the object of your desire on a conspicuous part of your body (forearm, neck, forehead) is a great way to get his or her attention.
4. Mumbling random obscenities into your shoulder while walking will undoubtedly get the attention of that special someone.
5. Always remember: Alcohol makes you more intelligent and renders you irresistible to members of the opposite sex.
* Not a guarantee. The author of this column wishes it to be known that he accepts absolutely no responsibility for any criminal or civil liability that may befall anyone stupid enough to put these principles into practice. Unless,of course, you score. In which case it was all me.
THE BEARDED GENTLEMAN
As a past and probable future "Guy With a Beard," I can safely say that being a beard guy is perhaps the single easiest way to render yourself utterly unattractive to members of the opposite sex. What gives? Do women just assume that beard guys never shave because they never wash themselves? And yet, as I ponder the history of the beard, I see the dawn of civilization right before my eyes. What I'm getting at is this: the ancient Greeks, a people who laid the very foundations of western consciousness, almost all wore beards. The pioneers, the people who settled the great American west, wore beards. The Amish, a people whose antiquated ways and quaint moral notions give us all a good chuckle almost every time we see them in television and film programs, wear beards. And I believe that it is the patriotic duty of every red-blooded, patriotic American male, and Eastern European female, to wear a beard for at least a part of his lifetime, if nothing else so that he'll be able to clear his mind and really get away from the distraction of being hounded by all those bloodthirsty women who roam the streets aching to fornicate endlessly. Also, his children are likely to really appreciate having old pictures of their dad in his "beard days" to show all their friends for laughs.
After all, in ancient times men were practically required to grow beards. At first the only way to remove facial hair was to scrape it off with a sharp rock, and later the best alternative was that big scary straight razor that Italians barbers use to kill people in mobster movies. It wasn't until the invention in 1974 of the Bic disposable razor - which allowed a man to shave himself comfortably in the safety of his own bathroom - that shaving really took off and beards became the province of sea captains, wizards, and lumberjacks.
Of course there have always been those men incapable of growing beards - take Michael Jackson and Bea Arthur - but, in all fairness, historically they have been looked upon as perverse sexual mutants. I mean, why is it that every single time you're in a room with a smelly person, and there's a big crowd in that room, the first person you look at is the guy with a beard? He's probably just as terrified by that stench as you are, and really can't figure out why you're all looking at him so strangely
And meanwhile, there's a guy over in the corner who hasn't taken a shower in eight days but owns an electric razor. Maybe it's all a throwback to when western society was less than civilized, and a man had to shave in order to prove to a woman that he respected her special dominance over the province of sensuality and wasn't just some ape who was going to club her, drag her off, and do it twice. Yeah, that's got to be it.
In a university commencement address several years ago, Brian Dyson,
CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises, spoke of the relationship of
work to one's other commitments: "Imagine life as a game in which you
are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them-work, family,
health, friends and spirit-and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will
soon understand that
work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the
other four
balls-family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop
one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even
shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and
strive for balance in your life. How? Don't undermine your
worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are
different that each of us is special. Don't set> your goals by what
other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Don't take
for granted the things
closest to your heart. Cling to them as they were your life, for without them, life
is meaningless. Don't let
your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the
future. By
living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
Don't give up when you still have something to
give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this
fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we
learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find
time. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the
fastest way to lose love is
to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it
wings. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not
only where you've been, but also where you are going.
Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel
appreciated. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless,
a treasure you can always carry easily.
Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Life is
not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift:
that's why we call it The Present."
"SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST
A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
--- Anti-smoker Brooke Shields
Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world,
three quarters of them would drown?
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find
his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.
"Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business. why do you ask such a thing?"
the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. please tell me, how much do you make
an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20 an hour."
"oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.
Looking up, he said, "daddy, may I please borrow $10?"
the father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is
so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some
other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your
room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so
selfish. I work long hard hours everyday and don't have
time for such childish behavior."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the
little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only
to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had
calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little
hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed
to buy with that $10 and he really didn't ask for money very
often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened
the door. "Are you asleep, son?" he asked. "No daddy, I'm
awake," replied the boy. "I've been thinking, maybe I was too
hard on you earlier," said the man, "it's been a long day and I
took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $10 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "oh, thank you daddy!"
he
yelled then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some
crumpled
up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money,
started
to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money,
then
looked up at his father.
"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the
father grumbled. "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,"
the little boy replied.
"Daddy, I have $20 now. can I buy an hour of your time? Please
come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
Share this story with someone you like....but even better, share
$20 worth of time with someone you love. Its just a short
reminder
to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time
slip
through our fingers without having spent some time with those
who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.